About Me
Friday, February 6, 2009
haikus part 1
Haiku #1
Boys are retarded
They want you & then they don't
Make up your damn minds!
Haiku #2
Why are you so emo
Just like every guy I meet
Get over it, dude!
Haiku #3
When it comes to fun
Drinking gets me in trouble
Pot just gets me stoned
Haiku #4
It's February
I wish I had a boyfriend
ONLY for the warmth
Haiku #5
I am over him
I am pretty sure he's gay
Still...nice to look at
Boys are retarded
They want you & then they don't
Make up your damn minds!
Haiku #2
Why are you so emo
Just like every guy I meet
Get over it, dude!
Haiku #3
When it comes to fun
Drinking gets me in trouble
Pot just gets me stoned
Haiku #4
It's February
I wish I had a boyfriend
ONLY for the warmth
Haiku #5
I am over him
I am pretty sure he's gay
Still...nice to look at
eyes wide shut
i don't know who he is or even remember where i found it online but i sort of want to have sex with this guy....
yeah yeah so i kinda have a type-we know this. but he's hot right?
*AS LONG AS* when he opens his eyes he doesn't have some kind of a lazy eye like the guy i met online when i was 18 and *ALMOST* lost my virginity to.
i don't remember how i started talking to that guy but it was definitely music related (as is often the case for me).i think he was a little older than me, definitely over 21 at least. he had toured! he had lived an exciting life already! so in my head it was totally cool that he was even interested in lil ol me.
he sent me letters and mix tapes and his band's 7 inch on vinyl.he sent me 2 pictures of himself. one was from halloween where he was dressed as a woman(as were all his coworkers or so the story went) with eyes shut and pretending to kiss the camera. he thought that i would find it funny (and not creepy at all which somehow i did). another pic he sent was a group picture that was somewhat further away. i could get a pretty good idea of him between the two and decided that of course he was hot.
we started talking on the phone a lot-almost every night for a couple hours. he was one of those brooding misunderstood types (i should have realized this was just another in the series of a pattern i had taken up sometime in my sophomore year of high school). after a couple months of late night conversations he tried to convince me to move to north carolina with him to be involved in the chapel hill scene. he worked at one of the big indie venues down there and thought he could get me a job there (which in my head also equalled extra cool points).
within the couple months of us talking he booked a show to play in west philly at a house party-supposedly primarily just so that he could see me.i had dropped out of college by this time and had moved back in with my parents.my friend decided to let me use her dorm for the weekend since her roommate was away and she could just stay at her boyfriend's.
sooo he gets to philly i make it to his show to finally see him in person.i got there in the middle of their set and he was even hotter in person than i had imagined. very tall, impossibly skinny, pale with dark hair-a slicked black pompadour and sideburns, tight black jeans and pack of marlboro reds rolled into his sleeve (which was just rolled high enough to expose his indie armband tattoos matching on both sides and no, NOT tribal) and totally rockin a jon spencer style (which i have always been known to swoon over even to this day) .it sort of reminded me of that line in the pixies song "i was all dressed in black she was all dressed in black".
he sang (with eyes shut naturally) with foot on amp leaning into the audience. played guitar wildly. rock star kicks and jumps. sexy raucous raw power. honestly for a minute there it was not entirely *unlike* going to see the blues explosion (except with songs sounding a bit more like girls against boys meets jawbreaker and jesus lizard and anything steve albini has touched with a couple of delta 72 meets rockabilly numbers thrown in).
so after the show he comes up to me we start chatting and when he looks at me i finally notice how fucked up his eye was. and we are talkin pretty damn fucked up.
he tells me he was hit in the face with a baseball bat as a kid and is stuck with a lazy eye. at this point i decide to overlook it because i already really really dug the guy and if you just focused on the other eye he was still really quite cute. nobody is perfect, right?
we have fun at the house party and go back to my friend's dorm where we fooled around and he *tried* to have sex...which i eventually stopped because it hurt like fuck.(hmmm gee go figure! and no. i didn't leave him hanging if that's what you were wondering)
afterwards i remember introducing him to a few of my friends in the dorm who thought i must have been kidding. the guy was not only a caricature of a stereotype with a personality to match but by the way did i even look at his eyes cause...uhhhh!?!?!?? but for whatever reason i was still smitten.
we hung out for the weekend lazing around in my friend's roomate's bed (what would she know?). we drank a neverending supply of coffee, talked about his fucked up childhood and of course more about music. we talked some more about his desire for me to move down to north carolina with him.
then on the day he was leaving he very suddenly got weird and stopped talking to me. young and naive i couldn't figure out what on earth i had done wrong. i got into some sort of conversation with his bass player while smoking a cigarette outside the diner we were having brunch at. he told me that my would-be paramour actually had an on-again off-again girlfriend back home who was psychotic and just called him threatening to kill herself and that he was crazy himself too anyway (and gave detailed examples of why). upon hearing that i didn't even say goodbye, i just left. and he was never to be heard from again.
i remember a couple years later i was at a dismemberment plan show in philly interviewing the band for the zine i was putting together (which i never actually printed but still have the tapes from my handheld recorder somewhere). i remember talking to travis the lead singer from dismemberment plan about different bands from their area and that particular scene and i mentioned having seen my pseudo-ex's band. he laughed and told me the bassist from that band was their roadie. so the roadie/bassist comes over and starts talking with us too. from there he realized he had met me before..."oh yeah i remember you ...the young sidepiece in philly. he was kind of obsessed with you." blah blah blah.
travis and i talked for a couple hours about personal shit and relationships. from there it went from "interview" to travis turning into some sort of a love guru to me as though we had been friends for years even though we had just met. he told me i needed to stop dating musicians because most of them are losers (particularly the one that sparked the entire conversation). he gave me a lot of good advice which unfortunately over the years i obviously did not take (i probably would have been saved a *lot* of heartache with the never date musicians part alone).
so while writing this i decided to see what the internet says my almost-first is up to these days.
apparently he is now in a sludgy stoner rock band (though he himself during shows, according to press, has been compared to iggy pop-hahaha!). they've apparently played at a venue in my neighborhood in the past few months(not at one of the decent ones).
not that i would even have recognized him-he has long hair and a beard and now greatly resembles chris robinson from the black crowes. the lazy eye at this point mostly just makes him look stoned. i'd post a link but honestly i'm just to mortified to admit i almost slept with the guy.
i hadn't thought of him in many MANY years and it's funny how i was brought a tiny sliver of comical nostalgia when i found the picture of the hot guy with eyes closed. i think i've changed my mind about wanting to sleep with the mystery photo afterall.
yeah yeah so i kinda have a type-we know this. but he's hot right?
*AS LONG AS* when he opens his eyes he doesn't have some kind of a lazy eye like the guy i met online when i was 18 and *ALMOST* lost my virginity to.
i don't remember how i started talking to that guy but it was definitely music related (as is often the case for me).i think he was a little older than me, definitely over 21 at least. he had toured! he had lived an exciting life already! so in my head it was totally cool that he was even interested in lil ol me.
he sent me letters and mix tapes and his band's 7 inch on vinyl.he sent me 2 pictures of himself. one was from halloween where he was dressed as a woman(as were all his coworkers or so the story went) with eyes shut and pretending to kiss the camera. he thought that i would find it funny (and not creepy at all which somehow i did). another pic he sent was a group picture that was somewhat further away. i could get a pretty good idea of him between the two and decided that of course he was hot.
we started talking on the phone a lot-almost every night for a couple hours. he was one of those brooding misunderstood types (i should have realized this was just another in the series of a pattern i had taken up sometime in my sophomore year of high school). after a couple months of late night conversations he tried to convince me to move to north carolina with him to be involved in the chapel hill scene. he worked at one of the big indie venues down there and thought he could get me a job there (which in my head also equalled extra cool points).
within the couple months of us talking he booked a show to play in west philly at a house party-supposedly primarily just so that he could see me.i had dropped out of college by this time and had moved back in with my parents.my friend decided to let me use her dorm for the weekend since her roommate was away and she could just stay at her boyfriend's.
sooo he gets to philly i make it to his show to finally see him in person.i got there in the middle of their set and he was even hotter in person than i had imagined. very tall, impossibly skinny, pale with dark hair-a slicked black pompadour and sideburns, tight black jeans and pack of marlboro reds rolled into his sleeve (which was just rolled high enough to expose his indie armband tattoos matching on both sides and no, NOT tribal) and totally rockin a jon spencer style (which i have always been known to swoon over even to this day) .it sort of reminded me of that line in the pixies song "i was all dressed in black she was all dressed in black".
he sang (with eyes shut naturally) with foot on amp leaning into the audience. played guitar wildly. rock star kicks and jumps. sexy raucous raw power. honestly for a minute there it was not entirely *unlike* going to see the blues explosion (except with songs sounding a bit more like girls against boys meets jawbreaker and jesus lizard and anything steve albini has touched with a couple of delta 72 meets rockabilly numbers thrown in).
so after the show he comes up to me we start chatting and when he looks at me i finally notice how fucked up his eye was. and we are talkin pretty damn fucked up.
he tells me he was hit in the face with a baseball bat as a kid and is stuck with a lazy eye. at this point i decide to overlook it because i already really really dug the guy and if you just focused on the other eye he was still really quite cute. nobody is perfect, right?
we have fun at the house party and go back to my friend's dorm where we fooled around and he *tried* to have sex...which i eventually stopped because it hurt like fuck.(hmmm gee go figure! and no. i didn't leave him hanging if that's what you were wondering)
afterwards i remember introducing him to a few of my friends in the dorm who thought i must have been kidding. the guy was not only a caricature of a stereotype with a personality to match but by the way did i even look at his eyes cause...uhhhh!?!?!?? but for whatever reason i was still smitten.
we hung out for the weekend lazing around in my friend's roomate's bed (what would she know?). we drank a neverending supply of coffee, talked about his fucked up childhood and of course more about music. we talked some more about his desire for me to move down to north carolina with him.
then on the day he was leaving he very suddenly got weird and stopped talking to me. young and naive i couldn't figure out what on earth i had done wrong. i got into some sort of conversation with his bass player while smoking a cigarette outside the diner we were having brunch at. he told me that my would-be paramour actually had an on-again off-again girlfriend back home who was psychotic and just called him threatening to kill herself and that he was crazy himself too anyway (and gave detailed examples of why). upon hearing that i didn't even say goodbye, i just left. and he was never to be heard from again.
i remember a couple years later i was at a dismemberment plan show in philly interviewing the band for the zine i was putting together (which i never actually printed but still have the tapes from my handheld recorder somewhere). i remember talking to travis the lead singer from dismemberment plan about different bands from their area and that particular scene and i mentioned having seen my pseudo-ex's band. he laughed and told me the bassist from that band was their roadie. so the roadie/bassist comes over and starts talking with us too. from there he realized he had met me before..."oh yeah i remember you ...the young sidepiece in philly. he was kind of obsessed with you." blah blah blah.
travis and i talked for a couple hours about personal shit and relationships. from there it went from "interview" to travis turning into some sort of a love guru to me as though we had been friends for years even though we had just met. he told me i needed to stop dating musicians because most of them are losers (particularly the one that sparked the entire conversation). he gave me a lot of good advice which unfortunately over the years i obviously did not take (i probably would have been saved a *lot* of heartache with the never date musicians part alone).
so while writing this i decided to see what the internet says my almost-first is up to these days.
apparently he is now in a sludgy stoner rock band (though he himself during shows, according to press, has been compared to iggy pop-hahaha!). they've apparently played at a venue in my neighborhood in the past few months(not at one of the decent ones).
not that i would even have recognized him-he has long hair and a beard and now greatly resembles chris robinson from the black crowes. the lazy eye at this point mostly just makes him look stoned. i'd post a link but honestly i'm just to mortified to admit i almost slept with the guy.
i hadn't thought of him in many MANY years and it's funny how i was brought a tiny sliver of comical nostalgia when i found the picture of the hot guy with eyes closed. i think i've changed my mind about wanting to sleep with the mystery photo afterall.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
my definition of panic
i think i lost my journal. the journal with all of my utmost extremely personal thoughts, musings, rants, raves, lists, insanity. names listed.
i have no idea whose hands it could have fallen into.
if they've fallen into the wrong hands i will probably need to move to another country due to mortification.
lessons learned-
1-invest in a laptop if you really need to keep a written journal-they can be password protected.
2-never write your own name in it
3-never make a list of everyone you ever slept with in it (along with possible color commentary)
4-mae west was right indeed: "keep a diary and someday it will keep you"
Finish
We are like roses that have never bothered to
bloom when we should have bloomed and
it is as if
the sun has become disgusted with
waiting
-Charles Bukowski
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
geez, rub it in my face why dontcha??
songs i heard on xpn today:
Eddie Holman - Hey There Lonely Girl - The Best Of Motown
Bee Gees - Lonely Days, Lonely Nights - The Bee Gees Greatest Hits
Elvis Presley - Heartbreak Hotel - The Number One Hits
Love - Alone Again Or - Forever Changes
Jackie Wilson - Lonely Teardrops - The Very Best Of Jackie Wilson
The Police - So Lonely - Outlanos D'amour
Neil Young - The Loner - Sugar Mountain - Live At Canterbury House 1968
Ray Charles - Lonely Avenue - The Birth Of Soul, Vol.2
Roy Orbison - Only The Lonely - Super Hits
The Smiths - How Soon Is Now - Meat Is Murder
maybe there's a sale on razor blades at cvs.
Eddie Holman - Hey There Lonely Girl - The Best Of Motown
Bee Gees - Lonely Days, Lonely Nights - The Bee Gees Greatest Hits
Elvis Presley - Heartbreak Hotel - The Number One Hits
Love - Alone Again Or - Forever Changes
Jackie Wilson - Lonely Teardrops - The Very Best Of Jackie Wilson
The Police - So Lonely - Outlanos D'amour
Neil Young - The Loner - Sugar Mountain - Live At Canterbury House 1968
Ray Charles - Lonely Avenue - The Birth Of Soul, Vol.2
Roy Orbison - Only The Lonely - Super Hits
The Smiths - How Soon Is Now - Meat Is Murder
maybe there's a sale on razor blades at cvs.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
i loved loved loved this movie
had i seen ladies and gentlemen the fabulous stains when i was actually 15 i would have been in far far more trouble as a teen than i already was.
i watched it this weekend and it brought back some of the excitement of going to see punk shows at the local y or church basements when i was in high school (or actually maybe more specificly in the basement of the cds to go on cottman ave).sigh-i wish going to shows still felt that way.i want to feel the passion. the filth and the fury.the mania.
the music in the movie is great-i had little doubt it would be with paul simmonen, paul cook and steve jones all actually in the cast.and ray winstone was actually pretty damn hot in it-i definitely would have had a crush on him had i seen this movie 15 years ago.
diane lane is only 15 in the movie (before her transformation she looks a bit like i did at that age).laura dern is only 12. unbelievable!
eg daily has a bit of a cameo too.
it's clearly one of my new favorite movies. go watch it now.
i watched it this weekend and it brought back some of the excitement of going to see punk shows at the local y or church basements when i was in high school (or actually maybe more specificly in the basement of the cds to go on cottman ave).sigh-i wish going to shows still felt that way.i want to feel the passion. the filth and the fury.the mania.
the music in the movie is great-i had little doubt it would be with paul simmonen, paul cook and steve jones all actually in the cast.and ray winstone was actually pretty damn hot in it-i definitely would have had a crush on him had i seen this movie 15 years ago.
diane lane is only 15 in the movie (before her transformation she looks a bit like i did at that age).laura dern is only 12. unbelievable!
eg daily has a bit of a cameo too.
it's clearly one of my new favorite movies. go watch it now.
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